Thursday, May 29, 2008

Chemistry At it's Finest

I have discovered over the past few days that it is very, and I mean very difficult to write anything worthwhile when listening to death metal. It just doesn’t work! Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest; I have a few things to talk about. Those things are more important to any man, woman, or child than anything I’ve ever talked about before. That thing is possibly the greatest invention by mankind; it even rivals the Great Wall of China. What is this invention you ask? Well it is of course the six flavors of the drink Mountain Dew. I wish to go into great detail about this wonderful drink that has either blessed or cursed the world with it’s intense full-flavor taste and sparkling effects (if thrown into a fire and left to explode).

Now some people might think that I’m a little bit extreme about this drink, but in my experience Mtn. Dew has severely altered my life’s path for good or bad ( which I don’t know). By having 170+ calories per 12oz can, one can literally live off the stuff (though it may be not for very long). Other fine qualities of the “magic juice” include zero, yes, ZERO grams of total fat. Each can contains about 3% of the recommended daily value of sodium, and a whopping 45g of sugar (sure to make you into the professional sumo wrestler that you’ve always wanted to be). One more plus is that if you are looking to “beef up” this drink is “testosterone in a can/bottle” and is guaranteed to make you feel manly enough to pick up even the heaviest of book bags, dumbbells or possibly your 400lb great aunt Sally that has more underarm hair than you do. The only down side to this drink is that if you, by some unknown reason decide to go squirrel hunting, be prepared to run for you life as the little furry creatures will attack for your weapon of choice with a ferocity rivaled only by that of an angry she bear. Now then, on to the flavors of which there are six of (at the moment, soon to be only 3).

Number one, Mountain Dew original; the familiar green glow that is put out by this particular flavor is synonymous with only one thing, pure, concentrate, awesome. It is very hard to describe the flavor of this drink, I guess you can picture the wealth of an entire country converted into a flavor, then crammed into a 12oz can that tingles when you drink it.

Number two, Mountain Dew Code Red; I don’t know why they named it code red (maybe because of the red alarm you kidneys send out when you drink it) all Mtn. Dew CR (code red) is, is the original flavoring of Mtn. Dew with a huge black of cherry extract. The result of said flavoring is something that is akin to going hang gliding, or parasailing in the rough ocean waves of a tsunami.

Number three, Mountain Dew Baja Blast; as a Taco Bell ( I’m sure I’ll post my experiences at Taco Bell another day, because I have lots of them) exclusive, MDBB is an odd variety of Mtn. Dew and a complete piece of crap. It contains within it the flavor of ocean spray, mixed with the flavor of dead cat, and the aftertaste of bugs in your teeth as if you are racing in the sand aboard your favorite dune buggy.

Recently the Pepsi Company responsible for the creation of Mtn. Dew has released three new flavors, and they are named respectively Mtn. Dew Voltage, Supernova, and Revolution as a part of a new promotion, where the best liked flavor will be an addition to the previous line of Mtn. Dew products. As of right now while I am writing this, I am reviewing these three flavors (and in the process creating the world’s first Leaning Tower of Pisa out of empty cans next to my computer chair). When the results are in for the winner the promotion, I will gladly post my thoughts of the “new Dew”. As for what Mtn. Dew has done for me, it has made me almost pass out on multiple occasions (including a church service). It is also the sole responsibility for my friends and I winning a “mock” court case in which we were the prosecutors in a case which we knew the defendant was innocent, well the outcome of staying up all night drinking Mtn. Dew and plotting how to buy off, blackmail, or otherwise convince the jury of our case was a complete success as we took the case by storm (the defense never saw what hit them).

So as I wrap up my little speech about the “Dew” I can finally turn off Handel’s concerto number 6 in g minor, and turn back on my death metal so I can finally relax and get some actually work done (and by work I mean playing counter-strike until 1am or finally figuring out how to crack my neighbors WPA2 key on his wireless network). As a final farewell, I wish to ask my readers one question, and that question is “do you know any single hot women between the ages of 18-23?” if your answer is yes; then please e-mail me. Thanks a lot for reading.

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